Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
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War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
That was easy.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes