Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
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1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.