Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.