Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
You Might Also Like
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here