Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
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today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Every time my phone rings
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.