Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

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[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.


My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”



Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.


Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you


Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.


Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.


Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]


My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.