@slimmy_shady

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

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@LostCatDog

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

@senorwinces

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

@TheTweetOfGod

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

@WilliamAder

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

@LuvPug

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

@AwedFellow

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

@Tbone7219

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@Kobbejaeger

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.