Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
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I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Doggies just call it style.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.