Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Meow
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
This meal prepping shit easy
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.