@goingrogue01

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

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@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

@AngieDavisHaha

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

@DevinSiebold

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

@abhorrent_wife

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

@captain_happen

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

@joshandbeyond

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

@uccjeb

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

@Greg_1_Leg

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

@CrackedIllusion

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

@SamGirlSunday

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.