Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
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Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
that wasn’t the question
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.