Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens