thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
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People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.