@SCbchbum

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

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@MrMichaelRose

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

@tastefactory

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

@canadasandra

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

@Beatonm5

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

@Reverend_Scott

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

@Marlebean

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

@Lani_Hayden

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

@SortaBad

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

@EdgarAllanLo

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.