Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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Not today. 😅
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.