Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

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*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*


There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.


Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.


perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower


I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”


Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”


I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.


*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!


Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.