Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
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[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”