Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
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[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I’m dying louder than usual today.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?