Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
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[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again