Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.