Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
this is uni
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
This classic never gets old . . .