Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.