Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
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Pass gas, not judgment.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
when dads have a rap battle
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.