“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃