Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
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I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.