Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
You Might Also Like
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Canada has crack?
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.