Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
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WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that