Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
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I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Children of the corn 🌽
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.