thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
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If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox