Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
You Might Also Like
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.