Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

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🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

Whoa… oh I see lol

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

This made me smile…

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

is this meant to deter me

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.