Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

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If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.


“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”


I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0


I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”


Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.


My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.


My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.


Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.


When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.


You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.