Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
You Might Also Like
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Worlds greatest photobomb
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are