Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

You Might Also Like


My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.


If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?


I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.


Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.


Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.


This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.


My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.


My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]


Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.


My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife