@momjeansplease Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
@Gorrdano Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
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@momjeansplease 
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
@ChrisHallbeck How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
@UnFitz My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
@athleisure_monk every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
@Smooheed Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
@KeetPotato [at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
@Writepop Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
@tudorgrrrl How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
@DuaneABarrett The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105