Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
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Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Yes my dude
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
There is no “we” in pizza
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
