@Gorrdano

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

You Might Also Like

@momjeansplease

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

@ChrisHallbeck

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

@UnFitz

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

@athleisure_monk

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

@KeetPotato

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

@Writepop

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

@tudorgrrrl

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

@DuaneABarrett

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105