Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
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“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
this is me
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn