Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
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Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.