Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
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I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
become ungovernable
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I don’t know what to do
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.