Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
That’s classic.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
This is I, Robot all over again
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win