Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes