Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
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In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers