Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
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Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
when u come home smelling like another dog
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
this… may be the greatest story ever told
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?