Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
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Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
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My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.