Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
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Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day