Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
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[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster