Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
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I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Mission: Impossible
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled