Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
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Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.