Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Saturday
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.