When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
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BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.