@bodybycheezits

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

You Might Also Like

@bridger_w

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

@dril

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

@ceejoyner

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

@fro_vo

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

@2tickytacky

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

@TheTweetOfGod

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

@

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

@noog

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

@whereami18

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.