Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
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[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Bring back the McRib
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.