“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
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I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
*jazz hands*
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.