[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
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I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?