Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
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The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.