[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I’m crying im so happy for them
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.