Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet