Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
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Sorry not sorry.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no