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If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Eat…
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Nice try, poison.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?