Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
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Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, Iâve made a huge mistake
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because âeveryone sells lemonade but no one sells rocksâ.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I donât give a fig
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
âwhereâs waldo?â is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: Iâm sorry but I donât feel good. Iâve been throwing up.
5: Canât you just throw up outside?
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together đ¤đ
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My husband and I love to play âwho can pile the most into the trash can without taking it outâ and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights offâŚ
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that weâre deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didnât you?
Me: Yes.