Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
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“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
SPLOOT
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those