#Thanos #MondayMood
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Introverted vegans go meetless
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Cinematography is my passion
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!